so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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