I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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