Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
