I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
