my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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