hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
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your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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