Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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