Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
