You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
