I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
