Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize