At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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