So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
