So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
