false alarm. still invincible.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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