I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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