yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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