Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
