i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
