i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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