I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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