Just fell off a train. Bad.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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