just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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