I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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