It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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