I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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