hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
