I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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