im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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