I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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