i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
