they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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