Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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