A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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