i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
