I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
