I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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