yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
