just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
