4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
