fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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