If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
