The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
