my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
