I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
