you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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