ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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