you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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