I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
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