he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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