If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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