Cold hands, warm shart.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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