hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
