Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
