"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
