Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
